Friday, 29 July 2016

How to use tarot to reconcile with someone?

One of the most common questions tarot readers get is along these lines: "how do I reconnect with someone I've lost from my life (an ex, a friend, a relative)" or even more commonly: "when will we reconnect - when will the other person take action to mend it all?" This question is also often accompanied by "does x regret what they did to me / how they behaved / that they cut ties?"

This is, of course, very natural to ask. If a friendship or love has gone sour, usually one person was more keen to leave than the other and that always leaves a pining party. Even in situations where the break-up or fall-out was a mutual decision, people change their mind over time and start remembering all the good of that relationship. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, and same applies with time passing. 

Also, people seem to be "wired" to be very aware and concerned about fairness. Studies on monkeys have shown that our furry cousins also understand the concept of fairness and get offended, if - for example - other monkeys get more or better treats for the same tasks in a test. Monkeys also know how to share and are happy to give some of their treats to others to be fair and loyal, i.e. worth friendship and alliances. 

Same goes with us humans. There is hardly anything as painful as the feeling of being wronged. We normally can't comprehend nor stand the feeling and knowledge that someone has done something unfair towards us - in particular if that was on purpose. People can spend days, weeks and even years trying to figure out what happened, why, and in the worst case scenario, holding a grudge and/or plotting revenge. 

We probably all know that holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, so for the sake of a better life, it's always a good plan to either try to solve the problem or move on. Or both. 

I as a reader prefer action-oriented questions such as "what can I do to resolve this?" instead of asking "when will things turn better, or when will the other person take action?" That's because waiting for someone else to deliver is bound to cause more anxiety and helplessness than taking the risk of action.

I also find questions such as "is x regretting their actions" not-very-useful, because there is always a chance that x indeed is not regretting, at all. Not everyone is mature enough to treat others with kindness and respect, and not everyone is mature enough to see any fault in themselves. Realising that x did what they did with no remorse whatsoever might cause more pain and anger than needed. 

As a subject of wrongdoing, it's always up to us to make the decision whether we're ready to forgive, regardless of how regretful the other person is. Victims of narcissists, for example, might never find a day when the wrongdoer regrets - because s/he is not capable of it. 

Asking waiting-oriented questions in the flavour of "when will things happen to me?" is nothing but a way to frustration. The least we can do with the help of tarot - instead of drawing a card after card hoping for the best - is to ask questions to better understand the situation and what really caused the trouble in the first place. After all, what you believe was the reason for the fall-out, might be completely different to the other party. 

For example, I have a wrong button to push and that's people doubting my creativity or intelligence. I've had arguments where I've jumped into a conclusion that the other person is criticising or belittling these, when in fact, the other person did not mean that at all. Always ask, always clarify, always try to talk things through when both are calmed down. 

I am a firm believer of direct action in terms of taking the initiative. If you strongly feel you want to reconnect with someone, do it. Regardless of who "should" be the first to extend a hand. Contact them. Their response will tell, if the bridge can be rebuilt. If it can't, find a way to move on in peace. That person was not meant to be in your life for longer than this, and whatever happened, taught you both a lesson. Something else, something new is awaiting for you.

Here's a spread I made to examine what went wrong and how to try to reconnect:
  1. The core of the matter?
  2. How I feel about this matter?
  3. How x feels about this matter?
  4. How I feel about reconnecting?
  5. How x feels about reconnecting?
  6. If I contact x, what's the most likely response I get?
  7. What's the most likely outcome if I approach x?
  8. What's the most likely outcome, if I don't approach x?
  9. The lesson of this matter to me?
  10. The lesson of this matter to x?

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